Venting #1

 

One of the reasons, heck maybe the utmost important reason, for me to remain single is to be able to preserve private moments like these, so I can contemplate my own flaws and mistakes, without others to cushions nor to overstresses them.

This might come from my natural cynicism towards people in general, but I believe most people (at least those I encountered my whole life), do things mostly for their own interests. It seems like a statement mirrored my own egotistical tendency, and maybe it is. But perusing the behavior of those around me, I find them to always put their own interests first; or they jumble up some altruistic efforts with bits of selfish intent, so they can avoid guilt or bask in the false sensation of piety or self-righteousness.

Sometimes my intent to remain on my own worries me. I’m worried that I missed life greatest gift in having meaningful relationships (however fleeting they might be). But my perspective towards romance (even basic human relationship) hardens up each day. How can you put your vulnerability in other’s hand, when there are always risks of disloyalty, or worse, boredoms? Even basic relationships in my life, nowadays, filled with selfishness and dysfunctional tendencies. So, can’t blame myself if I took reference from those experiences, right?

Or maybe all these resentments towards people in my life came from my own selfishness. Maybe I am the one who victimize myself and blame others for doing less than I do. While, in truth, I was the one who was unable to be selfless and kept wanting something in return. Perhaps, I was just afraid to admit that all my life miseries were my own doing.

I used to glorify logic above all these irrational outbursts. Anger and resentment are the result of the inability to think clearly and an unstable emotion. At least that’s what I’m aiming to construct all these years (: to be rational and composed). But what transpire, at least in this past whole year, had me doubting the sincerity of love and altruism to a high degree. 

A guy asked me, did I ever encountered a traumatic romance which hinders me to connect with people? I dunno, maybe the answer is not as simple as it is. I have always been a complicated thinker, so I can’t escape analyzing people intentions to its most basic elements. Coupled that with how dysfunctional my family were, I can’t say that one traumatic event is simply the reason.

Nowadays, I can’t help to always seeing egotistical bastards here and there. And now I realize, this form of negativity has shaped me into this ugly-uncaring person.

 

Something to ponder about in this lovely-mundane evening :)

 

As inspired by the most romantic song of Tom Lehrer

Once there were times that I daydreamed of being courted by this song. That I'm hopeful there will be someone who'd appreciate my nihilistic and sarcastic view towards life. Today I'm already old and lose a certain physical attractiveness, yet that certain someone never come around. Ah well, not being defensive and shit, but my negativity helps a lot on facing the truth; that most people prefer sunshiny attitude and delicateness, rather than snark and Debbie Downer-y kind of personality lol.
 

try to routinely write journals

I should begin a routine journaling as a part of changing my lifestyle to stoicism. I dunno how to do this journaling properly, but one should begin one to try to make a habit out of it. I’ll learn the skill by doing it I supposed.

So I just listened to an episode of one awesome podcast, and basically it told me to find greater purpose in life, rather than floating by and based my life on a less meaningful goals such as luxuries and having a cozy-well respected life.

It had been a habit in my life, and perhaps in my parent’s life too, to find life’s “entropy” in comfort and peacefulness. Not that those aren’t a good thing, but its lack of meaning is a surefire to an unfulfilled life, and in the end I assumed will end up in a greater anxiety. Maybe I need to reflect back to what I find most meaningful in my life up until now. To find out which direction should I steer my life in the future. The one kept popping out of my memory, is when I diligently learn about the basic truth of life.. I mean when I philosophize by reading all those popular science books and watching those documentaries or reading through those over-trending philosophy books in my youth; it had somehow made a sense of purpose in my itty bitty tiny of existence. Perhaps akin to a spiritual sensation, experienced by those religious people, I too experienced a sense of enlightenment when learning those...

Now what should I do in the future? Perhaps what I need to do is to combine those sense of enlightenment with the skill I gathered my whole life and produce something from it... some kind of a life time artwork?? On the other hand, I feel like I need to create a healthier environment in order for me to thrive.. I mean I need to prepare my self to live out of this country.. because I won’t have any opportunity to thrive in this environment... hence I need to haul my self in all seriousness to learn my Germany more diligently... That and I need to keep up my drawing and writing skill.. And to always remind myself not to spend too much on the good-feel shopping and eating and all those brain rotting games and procrastination..

It’s gonna be a hard trip for one cry-baby like me, I guess...

revisiting an old poem

“A wounded deer leaps highest,”

I crave it would be so,

For the gushes, twinges, and aches,

Pouring still and re-surging...

But so I heard:

“Mirth is mail of anguish,

In which its cautious arm

Lest anybody spy the blood...”

Perhaps,

it is mere illusion,

To muddle trough the agony of lesions..

Or perhaps, it’s the gift of the absent gods,

To just the unjustly wiles...

I care to define no more...

Since I would leap highly and mightily

Not for the wound, gushes, and aches..

But for the space, stars, and pulsars...

12 May 2014

My past self is a romantic version of a wounded woman, armed with an energy to proof herself worthy, all because she avoided to become a victim again.

Reflected upon it, I feel a bit defeated.. well not fully defeated, but can't help the feeling of weariness.. Because I am not holding to the same level energy of vengeance anymore. I am now lack of  the initial reason to soar.. 

Call it maturity, or wisdom to embrace reality as it is, or just a loser try to picking up whats left of her self esteem; but the truth is life tend to make you less romantic and idyllic. The more encounter with disappointments in life, the more you are to reduce an ideal view of the world. 

Yeah.. I'm not mad or anything.. I just like the image I obtain from this poem... a beautiful defeat :)

feeling thankful

For all the language I’ve used

And every connection and disconnection

And all the time I’ve spent

All the misconception and fallacy

All companion and camaraderie

All heartbreak and regret

I thank you all

And I hope to make new ones

Longer and plentier

:)

to whom I lost my dance with

Did you know?

Sometimes I wonder, that I might never find your equal.
That I might have lost a better version of my past when you slipped out of my life...
That I was too chicken shit to have given up to my insecurities and boosted up ego..
That I struggle now between protecting my self esteem and relinquish to the curiosity of what might have happened...
That I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough to build a better narrated story of my life, of your life...
That I might've choose normalcy and dull reality above everything that make one's life worthwhile in it's transience...
That I feel I've lost the best chunk of myself while hardening up and forgetting my ability to be poetic...

But did you know?

Sometimes I also feel I might've dodge the worst version of myself...

my jealousy

I am jealous

Of your certainty for norms and measurement

Of your confidence on past, present, and future

Of your knowledge for every possible darkness lurking in every corner of life

I am jealous

Of your formula on happiness and settlement

Of your concluded plans, schemas, and agenda

Of your very vast connectedness to things, thoughts, and spirits

I am jealous

Of your relentless-faithful loyalty

Of your crystal ball of prediction and divination

Of your readily answers to every questions and inquiries

I am jealous...

But would you jealous

Of my diffidence and insecurities

Of my constant doubt and perennial questions

Of my chronic skepticism?

Old Essay or Some Sort

Read one of my old essay--about nihilism in general--which I wrote back in 2009. It's quite a contemplative moment to reflect how I view life back then. Still, even at the time, the nihilism rooted on my strong belief on Logical Positivism. The nihilistic view worn out today, but my hold on to Logical Positivism grow stronger everyday...


Kitab tanpa Arti

Kau dan aku terbangun di pagi hari.. merasakan rasa haus yang sama, bau mulut yang sama, dan dorongan untuk kembali menyelimuti diri dengan kemalasan yang terlalu berat membebani seluruh neuron tubuh kita tiap hari.. kencing dan sarapan atau meracik kopi.. mengecup pipi istri atau menyerangnya dengan teguran kenapa tak membangunkanmu lebih pagi.. semuanya dikopi lagi dan lagi dalam mesin delusi bernama rutinitas.. apapun bentuk hidup yang kau pilih, hari berjalan nyaris serupa, berupaya mereplika masa lalu, mencoba menawar kepastian pada alunan kuanta kehidupan yang mengalir penuh spontanitas.. kadang penuh kejutan menyenangkan, kadang merenggut rasa tentram yang kau jalin kuat-kuat saat kau berkhayal tentang konsep kemapanan yang abadi.

Kau dan aku membuka mata dari lelap tidur, mengalihkan frekuensi otak dari rasa nyaman alam subsadar ke alam sadar. Mengeluh diam-diam tak kuasa menghadapi tantangan nasib dan takdir masa depan.. kau mencoba berlindung di balik puluhan sampul buku motivasi dan trik manajemen ala art of war-nya tsun zu.. aku berusaha menundukan kekhawatiran dengan tips meditasi dan belasan pdf sufisme atau fisika new age dengan bumbu zen dan buddhisme.. tapi kita berjalan di ranah yang sama bukan? Sama-sama terlalu kecut menghadapi betapa kerdilnya diri kita. Sampah yang mengambang di kenyataan yang terpupus dalam delusi keseharian. Foto diri yang buruk rupa, yang kelak termakan humus dan kelembaban mikroorganisme.. larut dalam mineral, pasir, dan kerikil keras bumi.

Bagiku dan bagimu, waktu adalah sama: materi dan energi yang beranjak. Waktu adalah rangkaian momentum yang memberikan bukti bahwa suatu objek berada, tumbuh dan berkembang menjadi sesuatu yang lain. sebuah definisi yang menyesatkan kala kita dihadapkan dengan kebutuhan abnormal tentang keabadian. Tapi nyata itu derita, dan nyatanya, makna kita hanya berada di satu titik koordinat antara ruang dan waktu. Dalam ketakberdayaannya untuk melaju.. melompat dari satu koordinat ke koordinat berikutnya, membentuk grafik menakjubkan mengenai kisah hidupnya sendiri, yang bergerak naik dan turun layaknya sebuah plot dalam skenario film disusun. Dan kau dan aku adalah penulis skenario sekaligus aktor, hanya saja kita kehilangan kemampuan untuk menentukan alur, kehilangan hak pelakon untuk mengintip naskah cerita, tuntas dari awal hingga akhir waktu.. Prolog, Klimaks, anti klimaks, epilog, dan kesimpulan sederhana tentang kedipan mata..

Kau dan aku terkurung hasrat akan keabadian dan kebijaksanaan.. abadi dan bijaksana, bayaran yang menggiurkan untuk ketakberdayaan kita. Ditambah bumbu-bumbu menggiurkan tentang bidadari dan realitas super ideal. Di mana tawa dan sukaria membahana sepanjang waktu.. dyonisius menyajikan anggur paling nikmat ke dalam cawan milikmu dan ke dalam cawan milikku, membebaskan dahaga yang terbit dan hilang seketika.. bidadari dan dewa dewi melingkari tempat kita bertelekan di atas rumput empuk, hijau segar dengan sungai susu mengalir di atas tanah subur terbentang sepanjang cakrawala.. bukankah janji akan surga menggiurkan..? betapapun kita mengingkari ia hanya tumbuh dalam medan mitologis otak kita..

Kau dan aku hanya paket quanta, yang mengalir dalam gelombang waktu, membentuk realitas tunggal bernama alam semesta, yang entah hadir untuk apa.. ada di sana dengan sendirinya.. tak kurang, tak lebih, tak butuh alasan bertele-tele tentang makna adanya dirimu dan adanya diriku.. aku adalah sel yang tumbuh, kau adalah jaringan yang berkembang. Kita hadir dan terlahir dengan bekal nol besar, disusui dan disapih dan menabung ingatan tiap hari. Aku adalah gumpalan materi berupa daging dan darah.. kau adalah kumpulan energi bernama spiritualitas atau psyche atau entah apa.. berdiri di muka bumi berkompromi untuk senantiasa membentuk logika..

Kau dan aku adalah mereka, kita, kami, manusia.. dan kita hidup di titik biru yang pucat.. terdesak dalam energi misterius kegelapan.. sejarah hidup kita sama, jaringan organik kita serupa.. meramu ide dan emosi dalam kumpulan sel kenyal berwarna kelabu, kaya pembuluh darah dan neuroglia.. di sini kita membentuk ego, di sini kita menemukan emosi, mimpi, bahkan cinta.. dengan asupan cairan kental kaya oksigen dan energi, dan enzim kaya protein yang memberi sengatan hormonal untuk jalinan kisah yang lebih rumit dan penuh makna.. inilah kita, hasil evolusi menakjubkan dari satu unsur sederhana bernama hidrogen.. mengapung dalam ruang dan waktu, mengalami milyaran kejadian di antara heningnya ruang kedap udara.. mengantar kita di titik ini, untuk meneruskan sisa perjalanan, yang kelak terbang ringan tanpa beban kesadaran..

All Hail Monty Python!!

Let the video essay speak for itself  ;)

falalala

Human interaction is odd to say the least. Many times, I find that the nature of troubles I encountered in the past deliver different truth as I’m getting older. Some might say when you gain new wisdom, a.k.a. you experience more in life, your layer of perspective multiply. It kinda make you want to be more careful on passing judgment, because what you judge as foe today might be your ally in the future… or something like that…

The best thing you can do is gain as much knowledge as can be, so you can evaluate things much comprehensively. But you see, as your encyclopedia of life getting thicker, you’re kinda develop a sense of skepticism even to your own judgment. I dunno, maybe a wise person would have to go trough this kind of phase, in which you spend too many time and energy assessing what’s good and what’s right. A few week a go, I try to indulge myself in a new faith, a faith on stoicism. It’s a practical philosophy indeed, and it’s oh-so-simple way of assessment made me certain I can go through life swimmingly.

Everyone face disappointment in life. It’s just the nature of being alive. Most of this disappointments stem from a conflicted interaction with other human being. Stoicism teach me to not put the weight of responsibility in others, but solely on myself. This premise leads to a practical outlook I need to develop in life, such as learn to speak what I really wanted clearly and unemotionally, so people can understand my expectations on them, etc. It’s simple, and in theory, it will save me from many disappointment.

But still, human interaction is still weird. We make a lot of rules in life that, in my opinion, will only halted our progression on getting better as an evolving creature. I still believe that we are a creature in process, and our faith to tradition and our exhausted way of life will only lead us into more conflict and disappointment. The world are getting unified, and with that we need to have a new rule between us. At a microscopic scale, lots of my disappointment rooted from an exhausted way of life, actually. Being the way I am, I’m a minority, a very tiny portion of the population in my country, really. This makes the practical usage of stoicism is urgent for me. Or perhaps, as usual, I just put and extravagant reasoning as a defense mechanism, hehehe…

history on trial: cleopatra

For a very long time people (: the society of patriarchy) had always been frightful of powerful women...

so I just realize

So I guess when it comes to the philosophy of life, there's nothing compare to the combination between stoicism & existentialism to tackle the hardship of life. I mean between the creativity to choose everything life's given to you, and being responsibly act upon every choices you make, it has got to be a perfect combo.
I'm talking about the philosophy of life of course. For I think there's got to be a distinction between the practical aspects of daily life and our journey of finding the defining truth of everything. In the later case, I still believe in the scientific approach of course. Yeah.. just some practical contemplation I'd like to share here :)

Drawing wisdom from Stoicism

Being a positivist-reductionist doesn't mean I can't draw wisdom from classical philosophy. On contrary I think today's socio-politic life is lacking the old-school understanding of morality and honor. I think it's urgent for us to learn from Marcus Aurelius, especially of his determination to do whats right and virtuous, despite his position of power (: which should allowed him to do anything he'd like).
.... basically he's a the Ned Stark of Hellenistic era (and the smart version one :D)..

been a while

Been a while,
I haven't given many thought on anything happening in my life. Mostly because I was succumbed to the bustling workflow I've been facing lately. Yet the revenue I save up only manage to fulfilled the basic survival needs... yeah same old same old...
Been thinking about many cases of cognitive biases lately, and I reckon my life will be much easier to navigate if I can comprehend that principality in relation to my own life. Yeah, that's about all there is. I probably should start on doing a mural sketching now...

we go one god further

Being a Realist is Necessary

We are all mad monkey with a few extra neurons :)

Yes, no,maybe; I don't know. Can you repeat the question?

As usual my writing mood kicked in while I'm in a very tight deadline. But I just need to write this down. For the past week, I've been working while listening/peeking through the first season of "Malcolm in the Middle". As far as I can remember, this series was just an american sitcom aired while I was a senior in high school, and it focused on a rambunctious siblings whose mother is a control freak; and dad is a dysfunctional father figure. I don't know what made me so gravitated towards this show years a go. But I surely understand now, because deep down I relate to it so very much.
The central problem of my life had been the conflict between my fascination to the abstract thinking or--to put it simply--the high end of cultural products (literature, art, social science, etc); with the reality that I came from a lower-middle class family. During my teenage years, all I know for my future, was just get into college, as a premeditation to get a steady job; and then get a steady job! Even though me and at least one of my sibling were slightly more capable to handle a complicated abstract thinking (aka we scored a slightly higher iq than our peer's demographic), we didn't really know what to do with this capability at hand. Plus, our typical laid back personality of the lower-middle class came handy in making the conflict more prominent.
So looking at how Malcolm get frustrated, now I understand what he had to get through all the time. It's like a mini revelation for me today. Now I know what frustrated me all this time, it's the conflict of having to be able to see through it all, but unable to escape the suffocation of  being lower-middle class. What I mean with the ability to see trough it all, is that I know that the benefits of abstract thinking and the urgency to gain as much knowledge as there is, are more crucial than having a nice comfortable life. But alas all my life history was build on the major principle of having a peaceful steady familial life. This reality came even more complicated because I was raised, particularly so (and perhaps because the aforementioned social background), that I am now a prideful woman who are so sensitive when touching the issue of self esteem. That's why I always been anxious when working within the art scene (aka the high end society) a few years back. Because I know my lower-middle class background, and the messy understanding of how one should live their life, become problematic when I try to navigate my self among my peers.
Even in my current working environment, I can't completely relate to my colleagues, because my ego won't allow me to humble myself and accept the fact that I am still a member of the wage-labor class. All these things frustrated me, and now even more; cause since my father's death (no, it even  since he got ill), my financial independence wears off, and now I have even less time for a fulfilling activities, because most of my time I spent on doing a menial unfulfilling job just to survive.
I don't want to write this entry as a defensive reasoning for my failure in life.. no I need to stop self-pitying myself. Instead, I'm grateful, that "Malcolm in the Middle" shows me a clearer reality of my identity really is. I know now, why I'm so defensive during my career in art world, and why I'm so denial during my time as a wage-laborer. Many whom belong to the middle-lower class, but blessed with a brilliant mind are able to navigate themselves to be a better member of society. Their methods is what I need to try to emulate. Or maybe this revelation is a material worth digging about. I I mean, now that I have a better grasp of my identity, I have a better starting point to do what I need and what I want to do, aren't I? Yes? No? Maybe?

This is really make sense

https://id.pinterest.com/pin/239887117634591476/

mycourtneybarnettfever

" Put me on a pedestal and I'll only disappoint you

  Tell me I'm exceptional, I promise to exploit you
  Give me all your money, and I'll make some origami, honey
  I think you're a joke, but I don't find you very funny.."

--Courtney Barnett--

Pretty much sums up what I'd promise people who've asked me to get into a "relationship" XD

... that if I'm not too cautious and neurotic to tell them the truth... yeah, in the reality I'm too "nice" to said those things...
In reflection, I think what I want in a guy (or a girl for that matter) is pretty simple, just a person whom I can make a good conversation with. Yeah cliche I know, but looking back I realize some of my happiest moments were those where I can talk passionately about anything without having to tiptoe over sensitive subjects.
No need to be treated as a queen, no need someone else's money, no need to be praised all the time... just an open minded mind to talk about anything passionately