As inspired by the most romantic song of Tom Lehrer

Once there were times that I daydreamed of being courted by this song. That I'm hopeful there will be someone who'd appreciate my nihilistic and sarcastic view towards life. Today I'm already old and lose a certain physical attractiveness, yet that certain someone never come around. Ah well, not being defensive and shit, but my negativity helps a lot on facing the truth; that most people prefer sunshiny attitude and delicateness, rather than snark and Debbie Downer-y kind of personality lol.
 

try to routinely write journals

I should begin a routine journaling as a part of changing my lifestyle to stoicism. I dunno how to do this journaling properly, but one should begin one to try to make a habit out of it. I’ll learn the skill by doing it I supposed.

So I just listened to an episode of one awesome podcast, and basically it told me to find greater purpose in life, rather than floating by and based my life on a less meaningful goals such as luxuries and having a cozy-well respected life.

It had been a habit in my life, and perhaps in my parent’s life too, to find life’s “entropy” in comfort and peacefulness. Not that those aren’t a good thing, but its lack of meaning is a surefire to an unfulfilled life, and in the end I assumed will end up in a greater anxiety. Maybe I need to reflect back to what I find most meaningful in my life up until now. To find out which direction should I steer my life in the future. The one kept popping out of my memory, is when I diligently learn about the basic truth of life.. I mean when I philosophize by reading all those popular science books and watching those documentaries or reading through those over-trending philosophy books in my youth; it had somehow made a sense of purpose in my itty bitty tiny of existence. Perhaps akin to a spiritual sensation, experienced by those religious people, I too experienced a sense of enlightenment when learning those...

Now what should I do in the future? Perhaps what I need to do is to combine those sense of enlightenment with the skill I gathered my whole life and produce something from it... some kind of a life time artwork?? On the other hand, I feel like I need to create a healthier environment in order for me to thrive.. I mean I need to prepare my self to live out of this country.. because I won’t have any opportunity to thrive in this environment... hence I need to haul my self in all seriousness to learn my Germany more diligently... That and I need to keep up my drawing and writing skill.. And to always remind myself not to spend too much on the good-feel shopping and eating and all those brain rotting games and procrastination..

It’s gonna be a hard trip for one cry-baby like me, I guess...

revisiting an old poem

“A wounded deer leaps highest,”

I crave it would be so,

For the gushes, twinges, and aches,

Pouring still and re-surging...

But so I heard:

“Mirth is mail of anguish,

In which its cautious arm

Lest anybody spy the blood...”

Perhaps,

it is mere illusion,

To muddle trough the agony of lesions..

Or perhaps, it’s the gift of the absent gods,

To just the unjustly wiles...

I care to define no more...

Since I would leap highly and mightily

Not for the wound, gushes, and aches..

But for the space, stars, and pulsars...

12 May 2014

My past self is a romantic version of a wounded woman, armed with an energy to proof herself worthy, all because she avoided to become a victim again.

Reflected upon it, I feel a bit defeated.. well not fully defeated, but can't help the feeling of weariness.. Because I am not holding to the same level energy of vengeance anymore. I am now lack of  the initial reason to soar.. 

Call it maturity, or wisdom to embrace reality as it is, or just a loser try to picking up whats left of her self esteem; but the truth is life tend to make you less romantic and idyllic. The more encounter with disappointments in life, the more you are to reduce an ideal view of the world. 

Yeah.. I'm not mad or anything.. I just like the image I obtain from this poem... a beautiful defeat :)

feeling thankful

For all the language I’ve used

And every connection and disconnection

And all the time I’ve spent

All the misconception and fallacy

All companion and camaraderie

All heartbreak and regret

I thank you all

And I hope to make new ones

Longer and plentier

:)

to whom I lost my dance with

Did you know?

Sometimes I wonder, that I might never find your equal.
That I might have lost a better version of my past when you slipped out of my life...
That I was too chicken shit to have given up to my insecurities and boosted up ego..
That I struggle now between protecting my self esteem and relinquish to the curiosity of what might have happened...
That I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough to build a better narrated story of my life, of your life...
That I might've choose normalcy and dull reality above everything that make one's life worthwhile in it's transience...
That I feel I've lost the best chunk of myself while hardening up and forgetting my ability to be poetic...

But did you know?

Sometimes I also feel I might've dodge the worst version of myself...

my jealousy

I am jealous

Of your certainty for norms and measurement

Of your confidence on past, present, and future

Of your knowledge for every possible darkness lurking in every corner of life

I am jealous

Of your formula on happiness and settlement

Of your concluded plans, schemas, and agenda

Of your very vast connectedness to things, thoughts, and spirits

I am jealous

Of your relentless-faithful loyalty

Of your crystal ball of prediction and divination

Of your readily answers to every questions and inquiries

I am jealous...

But would you jealous

Of my diffidence and insecurities

Of my constant doubt and perennial questions

Of my chronic skepticism?

Old Essay or Some Sort

Read one of my old essay--about nihilism in general--which I wrote back in 2009. It's quite a contemplative moment to reflect how I view life back then. Still, even at the time, the nihilism rooted on my strong belief on Logical Positivism. The nihilistic view worn out today, but my hold on to Logical Positivism grow stronger everyday...


Kitab tanpa Arti

Kau dan aku terbangun di pagi hari.. merasakan rasa haus yang sama, bau mulut yang sama, dan dorongan untuk kembali menyelimuti diri dengan kemalasan yang terlalu berat membebani seluruh neuron tubuh kita tiap hari.. kencing dan sarapan atau meracik kopi.. mengecup pipi istri atau menyerangnya dengan teguran kenapa tak membangunkanmu lebih pagi.. semuanya dikopi lagi dan lagi dalam mesin delusi bernama rutinitas.. apapun bentuk hidup yang kau pilih, hari berjalan nyaris serupa, berupaya mereplika masa lalu, mencoba menawar kepastian pada alunan kuanta kehidupan yang mengalir penuh spontanitas.. kadang penuh kejutan menyenangkan, kadang merenggut rasa tentram yang kau jalin kuat-kuat saat kau berkhayal tentang konsep kemapanan yang abadi.

Kau dan aku membuka mata dari lelap tidur, mengalihkan frekuensi otak dari rasa nyaman alam subsadar ke alam sadar. Mengeluh diam-diam tak kuasa menghadapi tantangan nasib dan takdir masa depan.. kau mencoba berlindung di balik puluhan sampul buku motivasi dan trik manajemen ala art of war-nya tsun zu.. aku berusaha menundukan kekhawatiran dengan tips meditasi dan belasan pdf sufisme atau fisika new age dengan bumbu zen dan buddhisme.. tapi kita berjalan di ranah yang sama bukan? Sama-sama terlalu kecut menghadapi betapa kerdilnya diri kita. Sampah yang mengambang di kenyataan yang terpupus dalam delusi keseharian. Foto diri yang buruk rupa, yang kelak termakan humus dan kelembaban mikroorganisme.. larut dalam mineral, pasir, dan kerikil keras bumi.

Bagiku dan bagimu, waktu adalah sama: materi dan energi yang beranjak. Waktu adalah rangkaian momentum yang memberikan bukti bahwa suatu objek berada, tumbuh dan berkembang menjadi sesuatu yang lain. sebuah definisi yang menyesatkan kala kita dihadapkan dengan kebutuhan abnormal tentang keabadian. Tapi nyata itu derita, dan nyatanya, makna kita hanya berada di satu titik koordinat antara ruang dan waktu. Dalam ketakberdayaannya untuk melaju.. melompat dari satu koordinat ke koordinat berikutnya, membentuk grafik menakjubkan mengenai kisah hidupnya sendiri, yang bergerak naik dan turun layaknya sebuah plot dalam skenario film disusun. Dan kau dan aku adalah penulis skenario sekaligus aktor, hanya saja kita kehilangan kemampuan untuk menentukan alur, kehilangan hak pelakon untuk mengintip naskah cerita, tuntas dari awal hingga akhir waktu.. Prolog, Klimaks, anti klimaks, epilog, dan kesimpulan sederhana tentang kedipan mata..

Kau dan aku terkurung hasrat akan keabadian dan kebijaksanaan.. abadi dan bijaksana, bayaran yang menggiurkan untuk ketakberdayaan kita. Ditambah bumbu-bumbu menggiurkan tentang bidadari dan realitas super ideal. Di mana tawa dan sukaria membahana sepanjang waktu.. dyonisius menyajikan anggur paling nikmat ke dalam cawan milikmu dan ke dalam cawan milikku, membebaskan dahaga yang terbit dan hilang seketika.. bidadari dan dewa dewi melingkari tempat kita bertelekan di atas rumput empuk, hijau segar dengan sungai susu mengalir di atas tanah subur terbentang sepanjang cakrawala.. bukankah janji akan surga menggiurkan..? betapapun kita mengingkari ia hanya tumbuh dalam medan mitologis otak kita..

Kau dan aku hanya paket quanta, yang mengalir dalam gelombang waktu, membentuk realitas tunggal bernama alam semesta, yang entah hadir untuk apa.. ada di sana dengan sendirinya.. tak kurang, tak lebih, tak butuh alasan bertele-tele tentang makna adanya dirimu dan adanya diriku.. aku adalah sel yang tumbuh, kau adalah jaringan yang berkembang. Kita hadir dan terlahir dengan bekal nol besar, disusui dan disapih dan menabung ingatan tiap hari. Aku adalah gumpalan materi berupa daging dan darah.. kau adalah kumpulan energi bernama spiritualitas atau psyche atau entah apa.. berdiri di muka bumi berkompromi untuk senantiasa membentuk logika..

Kau dan aku adalah mereka, kita, kami, manusia.. dan kita hidup di titik biru yang pucat.. terdesak dalam energi misterius kegelapan.. sejarah hidup kita sama, jaringan organik kita serupa.. meramu ide dan emosi dalam kumpulan sel kenyal berwarna kelabu, kaya pembuluh darah dan neuroglia.. di sini kita membentuk ego, di sini kita menemukan emosi, mimpi, bahkan cinta.. dengan asupan cairan kental kaya oksigen dan energi, dan enzim kaya protein yang memberi sengatan hormonal untuk jalinan kisah yang lebih rumit dan penuh makna.. inilah kita, hasil evolusi menakjubkan dari satu unsur sederhana bernama hidrogen.. mengapung dalam ruang dan waktu, mengalami milyaran kejadian di antara heningnya ruang kedap udara.. mengantar kita di titik ini, untuk meneruskan sisa perjalanan, yang kelak terbang ringan tanpa beban kesadaran..