I guess this is the real buh bye, dear...

I'm putting a scrap of a history behind. Looking back, I found traces of my emotion along the way. I don't care if I am the greatest sap in the whole universe, or a bundle of emotional wreckage with a destructive inclination... I am glad though, to be able to feel intensely. This is about you dearest. I may never get through you. But I believe now, that life is not really a constant disappointment.  I'm opening new possibility now, new adventure, with someone I put my hope and joy upon...

Menyesapi aromamu
Mengejar bayanganmu
yang hanya terpeta di hypocampus mungilku..
tak hadir di kenyataan,
tak berada, tak padat, tak tercicip kelima indera
tak bertutur di ruang yang dibagi bersama..
hanya di jaringan kelabu,
memproyeksikan persepsi utuh
hasil rancanganku sendiri,
tak akan kubagi, tak mungkin tergelar di asumsi orang-orang,
terasing dalam keasyikan mengasihani diri ...
kukira yang kuinginkan jemari dan sensasi-sensasi baru,
yang kau bebankan padaku di waktu itu..
curang jika kau kira bisa kucerabut ingatan itu begitu saja..
ia terselip diam-diam di sudut kesadaranku
meranggas dalam sunyi
tumbuh dan berkembang memenuhi dinding persepsiku..
tak terdeteksi logika sederhana yang kuandalkan selama ini
tak termaknai kamus, buku-buku,
dan onggokan referensi membuta yang kuakui bertahun..
kaulah jaringan asing
yang menebar benih migrain kasat mata
berkedut-kedut,
untuk kelak, meletus dalam tawa
mengolok kendali diriku yang kian surut terdesak imajimu..
yang hadir kini
kusesapi aromanya
kukejar bayangannya..

120411

“Sebuah harapan besar jatuh”

Untuk setiap rangkai kata yang kau ulas dalam kanvas bahasa
Aku tepekur, memandangku sendiri dalam kepedihanmu,
Emily...
Kau indah dalam jenaka dan gempita kehidupan,
Dan kau lembayung senja dalam pahit dan pedih yang sering kita bagi bersama...
Aku mengenalmu hanya dalam pura-pura
Dan kuyakin kau pasti mengenalku dalam niscaya pandang...
Meski terpisah puluhan kitaran mentari
Terjauh juta jengkal jarak dan bahasa
Tapi kita berbagi dunia serupa, Emily
Kadang mirip gula-gula dengan langit warna vanilla
Namun sering mewujud raksasa
Rakus kala membaui jiwa-jiwa rapuh
Seperti kau dan aku
Menggulung bagai badai hitam menelan biru angkasa...
Dalam haru itu kau menemuiku
Membelai punggung rapuhku saaat kupunguti keping diri yang dihancur sang raksasa...
Kata-katamu candu untukku
Untuk membingkai dunia dengan makna
Pedih namun tak nyana indah
Untuk berani nyatakan,
bahwa arti hidup tak selalu kapas gula dengan gemilang harap masa kanak-kanak..

Aku mencintaimu, Emily Dickinson.
Date:Unknown


What is a heart made of?

it must be from a seed of dandelion
for it so light and soars vastly easy
Over the sky, crossing the wide blue ocean..
When you’re in love, in hope...

Or it must be from a very old wood,
Since it hardened sometimes,
Covering itself from harm and damage..
When you’re in pain, in hurt...

Or it must be from a very fragile glass
Because it breaks and shatters easily
Ruined into tiny pieces,
When you’re desolated, rejected...

And mine tonight
Is made of glass...
081011

A mother is a breeze

In a quiet drowsy afternoon

Who put you into a deep peace

enfolds you into the warmest  promise of safety

and an assurance of fine days...

even as we steps into our own man

our own woman

in her absence,

the breeze is still there...

291011

Chasing the dogstar,

In its majestic luminar...

Between grasses and dried bamboo bushes

You were there,

Sirius..

You are bright and brilliant

underneath the blackened misty sky...

while i am frail and dim and shy...

hiding beneath the southern horizon...

you are at the height i could never reach

gleaming  with pride and luminousity...

no matter how long i travelled

crossing the thunderous nebulla,

sailing the deep dark spaces,

you will always be

unreachable....

131111

Night yield to a briliant morning,

As of redden dusk succumb to the dim nightfall...

It debarks, It embarks..

It leaves, it arrives

Parting never was a genuine valedictory

And never will the encounter  be a single experience

I will celebrate the happenstance

And commemorate all born within;

Joy, knowledge, wisdom, love, and pain...

 December 7th 2011  

“I am nobody,

Are you a nobody too?”

Thus reverberated through and through,

In mine and your history...

But all my fellows are nobodies,

so they claimed to be...

Though desperately subsist:

To be a somebody,

Anybody..

To desire, to hope, to love, to ache...

I gladly become a nobody, Emily

But life bid me not...

080514

No one, no force, should render you into a nobody, lest nothing... 

“A wounded deer leaps highest,”

I crave it would be so,

For the gushes, twinges, and aches,

Pouring still and resurging...

But so I heard:

“Mirth is mail of anguish,

In which its cautious arm

Lest anybody spy the blood...”

Perhaps,

 it is mere illusion,

To muddle trough the agony of lesions..

Or perhaps, it’s the gift of the absent gods,

To just the unjustly wiles...

I care to define no more...

Since I would leap highly and mightly

Not for the wound, gushes, and aches..

But for the space, stars, and pulsars...

12 May 2014