Senin, Juni 18, 2018

to whom I lost my dance with

did you know?

sometimes I wonder I might never find your equal
that I might lost a better version of my past when you slipped out of my life
that I was too chicken shit to have given up to my insecurities and boosted up ego
that I struggle now between protecting my self esteem and relinquish to the curiosity of what might have happened
that I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough to build a better narrated story of my life, of your life
that I might choose normalcy and dull reality above everything that makes one's life worthwhile in it's transience
that I feel I've lost the best chunk of myself while hardening up and forgetting my ability to be poetic...

but did you know?

sometimes I also feel I might dodge the worst version of myself

Sabtu, Juni 16, 2018

my jealousy



I am jealous
Of your certainty for norms and measurement
Of your confidence on past, present, and future
Of your knowledge for every possible darkness lurking in every corner of life

I am jealous
Of your formula on happiness and settlement
Of your concluded plans, schemas, and agenda
Of your very vast connectedness to things, thoughts, and spirits

I am jealous
Of your relentless-faithful loyalty
Of your crystal ball of prediction and divination
Of your readily answers to every questions and inquiries
I am jealous...

But would you jealous
Of my diffidence and insecurities
Of my constant doubt and perennial questions
Of my chronic skepticism?

Jumat, Juni 08, 2018

Old Essay or Some Sort

Read one of my old essay--about nihilism in general--which I wrote back in 2009. It's quite a contemplative moment to reflect how I view life back then. Still, even at the time, the nihilism rooted on my strong belief on Logical Positivism. The nihilistic view worn out today, but my hold on to Logical Positivism grow stronger everyday...


Kitab tanpa Arti

Kau dan aku terbangun di pagi hari.. merasakan rasa haus yang sama, bau mulut yang sama, dan dorongan untuk kembali menyelimuti diri dengan kemalasan yang terlalu berat membebani seluruh neuron tubuh kita tiap hari.. kencing dan sarapan atau meracik kopi.. mengecup pipi istri atau menyerangnya dengan teguran kenapa tak membangunkanmu lebih pagi.. semuanya dikopi lagi dan lagi dalam mesin delusi bernama rutinitas.. apapun bentuk hidup yang kau pilih, hari berjalan nyaris serupa, berupaya mereplika masa lalu, mencoba menawar kepastian pada alunan kuanta kehidupan yang mengalir penuh spontanitas.. kadang penuh kejutan menyenangkan, kadang merenggut rasa tentram yang kau jalin kuat-kuat saat kau berkhayal tentang konsep kemapanan yang abadi.

Kau dan aku membuka mata dari lelap tidur, mengalihkan frekuensi otak dari rasa nyaman alam subsadar ke alam sadar. Mengeluh diam-diam tak kuasa menghadapi tantangan nasib dan takdir masa depan.. kau mencoba berlindung di balik puluhan sampul buku motivasi dan trik manajemen ala art of war-nya tsun zu.. aku berusaha menundukan kekhawatiran dengan tips meditasi dan belasan pdf sufisme atau fisika new age dengan bumbu zen dan buddhisme.. tapi kita berjalan di ranah yang sama bukan? Sama-sama terlalu kecut menghadapi betapa kerdilnya diri kita. Sampah yang mengambang di kenyataan yang terpupus dalam delusi keseharian. Foto diri yang buruk rupa, yang kelak termakan humus dan kelembaban mikroorganisme.. larut dalam mineral, pasir, dan kerikil keras bumi.

Bagiku dan bagimu, waktu adalah sama: materi dan energi yang beranjak. Waktu adalah rangkaian momentum yang memberikan bukti bahwa suatu objek berada, tumbuh dan berkembang menjadi sesuatu yang lain. sebuah definisi yang menyesatkan kala kita dihadapkan dengan kebutuhan abnormal tentang keabadian. Tapi nyata itu derita, dan nyatanya, makna kita hanya berada di satu titik koordinat antara ruang dan waktu. Dalam ketakberdayaannya untuk melaju.. melompat dari satu koordinat ke koordinat berikutnya, membentuk grafik menakjubkan mengenai kisah hidupnya sendiri, yang bergerak naik dan turun layaknya sebuah plot dalam skenario film disusun. Dan kau dan aku adalah penulis skenario sekaligus aktor, hanya saja kita kehilangan kemampuan untuk menentukan alur, kehilangan hak pelakon untuk mengintip naskah cerita, tuntas dari awal hingga akhir waktu.. Prolog, Klimaks, anti klimaks, epilog, dan kesimpulan sederhana tentang kedipan mata..

Kau dan aku terkurung hasrat akan keabadian dan kebijaksanaan.. abadi dan bijaksana, bayaran yang menggiurkan untuk ketakberdayaan kita. Ditambah bumbu-bumbu menggiurkan tentang bidadari dan realitas super ideal. Di mana tawa dan sukaria membahana sepanjang waktu.. dyonisius menyajikan anggur paling nikmat ke dalam cawan milikmu dan ke dalam cawan milikku, membebaskan dahaga yang terbit dan hilang seketika.. bidadari dan dewa dewi melingkari tempat kita bertelekan di atas rumput empuk, hijau segar dengan sungai susu mengalir di atas tanah subur terbentang sepanjang cakrawala.. bukankah janji akan surga menggiurkan..? betapapun kita mengingkari ia hanya tumbuh dalam medan mitologis otak kita..

Kau dan aku hanya paket quanta, yang mengalir dalam gelombang waktu, membentuk realitas tunggal bernama alam semesta, yang entah hadir untuk apa.. ada di sana dengan sendirinya.. tak kurang, tak lebih, tak butuh alasan bertele-tele tentang makna adanya dirimu dan adanya diriku.. aku adalah sel yang tumbuh, kau adalah jaringan yang berkembang. Kita hadir dan terlahir dengan bekal nol besar, disusui dan disapih dan menabung ingatan tiap hari. Aku adalah gumpalan materi berupa daging dan darah.. kau adalah kumpulan energi bernama spiritualitas atau psyche atau entah apa.. berdiri di muka bumi berkompromi untuk senantiasa membentuk logika..

Kau dan aku adalah mereka, kita, kami, manusia.. dan kita hidup di titik biru yang pucat.. terdesak dalam energi misterius kegelapan.. sejarah hidup kita sama, jaringan organik kita serupa.. meramu ide dan emosi dalam kumpulan sel kenyal berwarna kelabu, kaya pembuluh darah dan neuroglia.. di sini kita membentuk ego, di sini kita menemukan emosi, mimpi, bahkan cinta.. dengan asupan cairan kental kaya oksigen dan energi, dan enzim kaya protein yang memberi sengatan hormonal untuk jalinan kisah yang lebih rumit dan penuh makna.. inilah kita, hasil evolusi menakjubkan dari satu unsur sederhana bernama hidrogen.. mengapung dalam ruang dan waktu, mengalami milyaran kejadian di antara heningnya ruang kedap udara.. mengantar kita di titik ini, untuk meneruskan sisa perjalanan, yang kelak terbang ringan tanpa beban kesadaran..

Minggu, Mei 27, 2018

Monty Python essay from 2 years ago

I just had a Monty Python rush, but too lazy & busy (no really, I had tons of works to do) to write something down, sooo let's just re-posts the old essay right oveeer heere:



"Who's got a boil on his semprini, then?"

Semprini? What's a semprini? Apparently it's just one of thousands of beautifully designed gaga waga made by none other than the Monty Python's troops. Supposed to be a naughty word they won't uttered at the price of censorship, semprini actually means absolutely nothing. Well of course it was derived from the composer Alberto Semprini's name, but it relatively mean nothing. nada. zilch. zero... This, along with other python's baloney, has become a very lovable and quotable nonsense for us, devoted fans.

It's been about 9 years since I land myself in the absurd island of Monty Python. It began in some time around 2007, when I, out of boredom, bought a pirated dvd of Monty Python & the Holly Grail. What an enlightening experience! After watching Grail, every joke and other comedy entities stand far behind Monty Python. I don't know how to dumb down the reality behind their comedy, but theirs, I have to admit, has absolutely made a groundbreaking in the field of contemporary funniness, and has become a kind of clowning manifesto in our recent culture.

If we were to examine how humor works, it is known that one of the main theory of comedy is the Incongruity Theory. Wikipedia said:"The incongruity theory states that humor is perceived at the moment of realization of incongruity between a concept involved in a certain situation and the real objects thought to be in some relation to the concept." In this sense, we know that in perceiving an incongruent interaction between elements of a joke/humor/comedy; people try to find a kind of a resolution, or a realization of how the relation between the elements worked. In the case of Monty Python, the relation seldom existed. What's more, their humor often created more incongruities and absurdities.

According to Dr. Shockmd--followthislinkplease--the degree of this unresolved-ness is what makes Monty Python distinctively funny. Why I put "distinctively", because in the area of funniness, I find that many people doesn't really enjoy the zany humor of Python's. I used to feel uncomfortable when some people might see me as snobbish when I tell them I enjoyed Monty Python a lot. Because many feels that those who enjoy Monty Python tend to be a pompous little hipsters--and quite frankly, I don't want to be categorizes as hipster--but actually, that's really irrelevant. Dr. Shockmd stated, that there might be reason to why some people could enjoy Python very much and some are just not. He said: "This appreciation of nonsense jokes and cartoons is dependable on personality characteristics. Those with a high level of experience seeking appreciate nonsense humor more." ("nonsense humor refers to Python-like humor).

Okay okay, I might end up stating a snobbish fact after all, but please, contemplate the statement a little bit deeper, and you'll find that Dr. Shockmd's opinion is not snobbish at all. Many people must thought that Monty Python's joke belong to "intelligent"people, while, Dr. Shockmd's theory stated that people who liked Python tend to be more experience-seeking. So it's not a matter of "bigger brain loves Monty Python more", it's those who are experience-seeker, tend to enjoy Monty Python better. What's an experience-seeker, you asked? Dr. Shockmd, said: "Experience seeking involves a search for novel sensations, stimulation and experiences through the mind and senses, through art, travel, music, and the desire to live in an unconventional style." It's the unconventionality that makes unconventional people are so compatible with Monty Python sense of humor. 

But it is interesting to acknowledge that their unconventionality had been a milestone in the fields of today humor. Even though seemingly represent British humor only, Monty Python actually worked in much deeper level. Their works had proven that humor could break the border of culture and nationality, that laughter and witticism is a nature part of human being. And in the spirit of global culture, we, non-western people, may find their humor become more and more familiar. Should it be slapstick, dark humor, absurd gags, or simply just some Englishmen dressing up as old ladies (pepperpots as they called it), many of us couldn't help their rib-tickling charm.

So to all "experience-seeker"out there, try this old chaps gags once in a while. It will really worth your time.


Selasa, Maret 27, 2018

All Hail Monty Python!!


Let the video essay speak for itself  ;)

Sabtu, Maret 10, 2018

falalala


Human interaction is odd to say the least. Many times, I find that the nature of troubles I encountered in the past deliver different truth as I’m getting older. Some might say when you gain new wisdom, a.k.a. you experience more in life, your layer of perspective multiply. It kinda make you want to be more careful on passing judgment, because what you judge as foe today might be your ally in the future… or something like that…

The best thing you can do is gain as much knowledge as can be, so you can evaluate things much comprehensively. But you see, as your encyclopedia of life getting thicker, you’re kinda develop a sense of skepticism even to your own judgment. I dunno, maybe a wise person would have to go trough this kind of phase, in which you spend too many time and energy assessing what’s good and what’s right. A few week a go, I try to indulge myself in a new faith, a faith on stoicism. It’s a practical philosophy indeed, and it’s oh-so-simple way of assessment made me certain I can go through life swimmingly.

Everyone face disappointment in life. It’s just the nature of being alive. Most of this disappointments stem from a conflicted interaction with other human being. Stoicism teach me to not put the weight of responsibility in others, but solely on myself. This premise leads to a practical outlook I need to develop in life, such as learn to speak what I really wanted clearly and unemotionally, so people can understand my expectations on them, etc. It’s simple, and in theory, it will save me from many disappointment.

But still, human interaction is still weird. We make a lot of rules in life that, in my opinion, will only halted our progression on getting better as an evolving creature. I still believe that we are a creature in process, and our faith to tradition and our exhausted way of life will only lead us into more conflict and disappointment. The world are getting unified, and with that we need to have a new rule between us. At a microscopic scale, lots of my disappointment rooted from an exhausted way of life, actually. Being the way I am, I’m a minority, a very tiny portion of the population in my country, really. This makes the practical usage of stoicism is urgent for me. Or perhaps, as usual, I just put and extravagant reasoning as a defense mechanism, hehehe…

Kamis, Februari 15, 2018

history on trial: cleopatra


For a very long time people (: the society of patriarchy) had always been frightful of powerful women...