Venting #1

 

One of the reasons, heck maybe the utmost important reason, for me to remain single is to be able to preserve private moments like these, so I can contemplate my own flaws and mistakes, without others to cushions nor to overstresses them.

This might come from my natural cynicism towards people in general, but I believe most people (at least those I encountered my whole life), do things mostly for their own interests. It seems like a statement mirrored my own egotistical tendency, and maybe it is. But perusing the behavior of those around me, I find them to always put their own interests first; or they jumble up some altruistic efforts with bits of selfish intent, so they can avoid guilt or bask in the false sensation of piety or self-righteousness.

Sometimes my intent to remain on my own worries me. I’m worried that I missed life greatest gift in having meaningful relationships (however fleeting they might be). But my perspective towards romance (even basic human relationship) hardens up each day. How can you put your vulnerability in other’s hand, when there are always risks of disloyalty, or worse, boredoms? Even basic relationships in my life, nowadays, filled with selfishness and dysfunctional tendencies. So, can’t blame myself if I took reference from those experiences, right?

Or maybe all these resentments towards people in my life came from my own selfishness. Maybe I am the one who victimize myself and blame others for doing less than I do. While, in truth, I was the one who was unable to be selfless and kept wanting something in return. Perhaps, I was just afraid to admit that all my life miseries were my own doing.

I used to glorify logic above all these irrational outbursts. Anger and resentment are the result of the inability to think clearly and an unstable emotion. At least that’s what I’m aiming to construct all these years (: to be rational and composed). But what transpire, at least in this past whole year, had me doubting the sincerity of love and altruism to a high degree. 

A guy asked me, did I ever encountered a traumatic romance which hinders me to connect with people? I dunno, maybe the answer is not as simple as it is. I have always been a complicated thinker, so I can’t escape analyzing people intentions to its most basic elements. Coupled that with how dysfunctional my family were, I can’t say that one traumatic event is simply the reason.

Nowadays, I can’t help to always seeing egotistical bastards here and there. And now I realize, this form of negativity has shaped me into this ugly-uncaring person.

 

Something to ponder about in this lovely-mundane evening :)

 

As inspired by the most romantic song of Tom Lehrer

Once there were times that I daydreamed of being courted by this song. That I'm hopeful there will be someone who'd appreciate my nihilistic and sarcastic view towards life. Today I'm already old and lose a certain physical attractiveness, yet that certain someone never come around. Ah well, not being defensive and shit, but my negativity helps a lot on facing the truth; that most people prefer sunshiny attitude and delicateness, rather than snark and Debbie Downer-y kind of personality lol.
 

try to routinely write journals

I should begin a routine journaling as a part of changing my lifestyle to stoicism. I dunno how to do this journaling properly, but one should begin one to try to make a habit out of it. I’ll learn the skill by doing it I supposed.

So I just listened to an episode of one awesome podcast, and basically it told me to find greater purpose in life, rather than floating by and based my life on a less meaningful goals such as luxuries and having a cozy-well respected life.

It had been a habit in my life, and perhaps in my parent’s life too, to find life’s “entropy” in comfort and peacefulness. Not that those aren’t a good thing, but its lack of meaning is a surefire to an unfulfilled life, and in the end I assumed will end up in a greater anxiety. Maybe I need to reflect back to what I find most meaningful in my life up until now. To find out which direction should I steer my life in the future. The one kept popping out of my memory, is when I diligently learn about the basic truth of life.. I mean when I philosophize by reading all those popular science books and watching those documentaries or reading through those over-trending philosophy books in my youth; it had somehow made a sense of purpose in my itty bitty tiny of existence. Perhaps akin to a spiritual sensation, experienced by those religious people, I too experienced a sense of enlightenment when learning those...

Now what should I do in the future? Perhaps what I need to do is to combine those sense of enlightenment with the skill I gathered my whole life and produce something from it... some kind of a life time artwork?? On the other hand, I feel like I need to create a healthier environment in order for me to thrive.. I mean I need to prepare my self to live out of this country.. because I won’t have any opportunity to thrive in this environment... hence I need to haul my self in all seriousness to learn my Germany more diligently... That and I need to keep up my drawing and writing skill.. And to always remind myself not to spend too much on the good-feel shopping and eating and all those brain rotting games and procrastination..

It’s gonna be a hard trip for one cry-baby like me, I guess...

revisiting an old poem

“A wounded deer leaps highest,”

I crave it would be so,

For the gushes, twinges, and aches,

Pouring still and re-surging...

But so I heard:

“Mirth is mail of anguish,

In which its cautious arm

Lest anybody spy the blood...”

Perhaps,

it is mere illusion,

To muddle trough the agony of lesions..

Or perhaps, it’s the gift of the absent gods,

To just the unjustly wiles...

I care to define no more...

Since I would leap highly and mightily

Not for the wound, gushes, and aches..

But for the space, stars, and pulsars...

12 May 2014

My past self is a romantic version of a wounded woman, armed with an energy to proof herself worthy, all because she avoided to become a victim again.

Reflected upon it, I feel a bit defeated.. well not fully defeated, but can't help the feeling of weariness.. Because I am not holding to the same level energy of vengeance anymore. I am now lack of  the initial reason to soar.. 

Call it maturity, or wisdom to embrace reality as it is, or just a loser try to picking up whats left of her self esteem; but the truth is life tend to make you less romantic and idyllic. The more encounter with disappointments in life, the more you are to reduce an ideal view of the world. 

Yeah.. I'm not mad or anything.. I just like the image I obtain from this poem... a beautiful defeat :)

feeling thankful

For all the language I’ve used

And every connection and disconnection

And all the time I’ve spent

All the misconception and fallacy

All companion and camaraderie

All heartbreak and regret

I thank you all

And I hope to make new ones

Longer and plentier

:)

to whom I lost my dance with

Did you know?

Sometimes I wonder, that I might never find your equal.
That I might have lost a better version of my past when you slipped out of my life...
That I was too chicken shit to have given up to my insecurities and boosted up ego..
That I struggle now between protecting my self esteem and relinquish to the curiosity of what might have happened...
That I wonder if I didn't fight hard enough to build a better narrated story of my life, of your life...
That I might've choose normalcy and dull reality above everything that make one's life worthwhile in it's transience...
That I feel I've lost the best chunk of myself while hardening up and forgetting my ability to be poetic...

But did you know?

Sometimes I also feel I might've dodge the worst version of myself...