Minggu, September 28, 2014

An Epiphany Rush

I reckon I haven't wrote anything here for quite a while. Now that an epiphany struck me, I believe I want to write it down here. So I can get the perception of being brave, to lay down my honesty in open space like this, even though I highly doubt someone would even care to read a personal rambling like this.
So, I've been jolting my life for the last 30 years of my existence, and it can be dumb-down into an activities of staying between moments to moments, without any semblance of permanence. But I have my own fears... insecurities, which shackled me from my own liberation. Then it struck me, maybe these hoping around between moments is actually what prevent me out of my freedom. Maybe considering about permanence wasn't such a bad idea after all, because I need not to deny those insecurities I had within myself.
They say epiphany could be from anywhere. In my case, I found a kind of enlightenment from an american political tv show. The show told me if you want your existence to be significant, you need to choose permanence over liberation. Significance in my opinion is not how you stand under the spotlight and being praised by people. It is the stance you choose and you believed in, so you can significantly claim yourself to be self fulfilling--meh or maybe I just made up a very weak logic. And to be able to do so, you can not rely things to just go by themselves. I can not jumping off from one point to another out of whims. Permanence... this word haunted me tonight. Permanence.. to me it rings like an Occam's Razor-ic things. Because it is so damn simple.
I always consider my self as an anti-hero. A Nobita-like character of someshort. It was cool for a while. But now that I look back to my past, I realized I accomplish nothing but this extreme mood swings charisma. Heck I even chose the word "charisma". As it is somekind of charm or something...
The thing is I've met these people. If it was a 4 or 5 month a go, I would refer to them as simple people... I was so blinded by the ridiculous notion of intellectual hierarchies, I regard them as mere background. An insignificant blare of the civilization or someshort..  And yet, it was from them I learn a very important lesson of humility. My narrow perspective has led me into an overconfident self today, and gosh how it had put me into a quite humiliating defeat...But yeah, it at least reminds me to humble myself. To remember that I was never standing at the spotlight, being all mighty and glorious, just because I claim myself to be a shabby, damnable, penniless poet... Perhaps it was my own pride which prevent me to get a clearer view of reality. I dunno.. but I guess, I'll work on my own "permanence" from now on. To build a sense of orderly daily life, and decide everything out of plans... Uh, they said epiphanies often drains quickly. So better to conserve this overflowing energy, and working on it one step at a time....

Jumat, September 26, 2014

A Lesson in Humility

I always consider my self as an antihero. A Nobita-like character of someshort. It was "cool" for a while, acting all pessimistic and bleak. But then I met this people, with their enthusiasm and optimistic approach towards life. I mean not just the regular enthusiasm, but a sweet-passionate positivity; their brightness almost beat the sun. And it got me thinking... maybe acting all depressive and hating the world is not the best way to go. No, I'm not suddenly become all positive and cheery because of them. They just somehow reminds me of finding this meme a few months a go, it said: "Not sure if bleak outlook on life and general hopelessness means I'm depressed OR JUST GROWING UP." When I first found the meme, I immediately felt relates to it. Yeah, I was very sure that in order of becoming an honest grown ups, we must at least feels a kind of hopelessness in life. But these people--those I considered as "most people" actually--could bow to the life gracefully, and regards life as something which offer definite happiness. Perhaps--just perhaps--being all grown up means the opposite of what I presume all these time. You know what Timon said; "when the world turn its back on you, you turn your back on the world." I've been turning my back on the world for years now.
I'm old. No point debating the fact.And I guess I've acting like a teenage angst for far too long.
*Notes: this is actually a drafted submission from maybe 2 years a go... find it quite funny heheh.. teenage angst...