One of the reasons, heck maybe the utmost important reason,
for me to remain single is to be able to preserve private moments like these,
so I can contemplate my own flaws and mistakes, without others to cushions nor
to overstresses them.
This might come from my natural cynicism towards people in
general, but I believe most people (at least those I encountered my whole
life), do things mostly for their own interests. It seems like a statement
mirrored my own egotistical tendency, and maybe it is. But perusing the behavior
of those around me, I find them to always put their own interests first; or
they jumble up some altruistic efforts with bits of selfish intent, so they can
avoid guilt or bask in the false sensation of piety or self-righteousness.
Sometimes my intent to remain on my own worries me. I’m
worried that I missed life greatest gift in having meaningful relationships
(however fleeting they might be). But my perspective towards romance (even
basic human relationship) hardens up each day. How can you put your
vulnerability in other’s hand, when there are always risks of disloyalty, or
worse, boredoms? Even basic relationships in my life, nowadays, filled with
selfishness and dysfunctional tendencies. So, can’t blame myself if I took
reference from those experiences, right?
Or maybe all these resentments towards people in my life
came from my own selfishness. Maybe I am the one who victimize myself and blame
others for doing less than I do. While, in truth, I was the one who was unable
to be selfless and kept wanting something in return. Perhaps, I was just afraid
to admit that all my life miseries were my own doing.
I used to glorify logic above all these irrational
outbursts. Anger and resentment are the result of the inability to think
clearly and an unstable emotion. At least that’s what I’m aiming to construct all
these years (: to be rational and composed). But what transpire, at least in this
past whole year, had me doubting the sincerity of love and altruism to a high degree.
A guy asked me, did I ever encountered a traumatic romance which
hinders me to connect with people? I dunno, maybe the answer is not as simple
as it is. I have always been a complicated thinker, so I can’t escape analyzing
people intentions to its most basic elements. Coupled that with how
dysfunctional my family were, I can’t say that one traumatic event is simply the
reason.
Nowadays, I can’t help to always seeing egotistical bastards
here and there. And now I realize, this form of negativity has shaped me into
this ugly-uncaring person.
