Jumat, November 03, 2017

been a while

Been a while,
I haven't given many thought on anything happening in my life. Mostly because I was succumbed to the bustling workflow I've been facing lately. Yet the revenue I save up only manage to fulfilled the basic survival needs... yeah same old same old...
Been thinking about many cases of cognitive biases lately, and I reckon my life will be much easier to navigate if I can comprehend that principality in relation to my own life. Yeah, that's about all there is. I probably should start on doing a mural sketching now...

Selasa, Juli 25, 2017

Being a Realist is Necessary

We are all mad monkey with a few extra neurons :)

Senin, Juli 24, 2017

Yes, no,maybe; I don't know. Can you repeat the question?

As usual my writing mood kicked in while I'm in a very tight deadline. But I just need to write this down. For the past week, I've been working while listening/peeking through the first season of "Malcolm in the Middle". As far as I can remember, this series was just an american sitcom aired while I was a senior in high school, and it focused on a rambunctious siblings whose mother is a control freak; and dad is a dysfunctional father figure. I don't know what made me so gravitated towards this show years a go. But I surely understand now, because deep down I relate to it so very much.
The central problem of my life had been the conflict between my fascination to the abstract thinking or--to put it simply--the high end of cultural products (literature, art, social science, etc); with the reality that I came from a lower-middle class family. During my teenage years, all I know for my future, was just get into college, as a premeditation to get a steady job; and then get a steady job! Even though me and at least one of my sibling were slightly more capable to handle a complicated abstract thinking (aka we scored a slightly higher iq than our peer's demographic), we didn't really know what to do with this capability at hand. Plus, our typical laid back personality of the lower-middle class came handy in making the conflict more prominent.
So looking at how Malcolm get frustrated, now I understand what he had to get through all the time. It's like a mini revelation for me today. Now I know what frustrated me all this time, it's the conflict of having to be able to see through it all, but unable to escape the suffocation of  being lower-middle class. What I mean with the ability to see trough it all, is that I know that the benefits of abstract thinking and the urgency to gain as much knowledge as there is, are more crucial than having a nice comfortable life. But alas all my life history was build on the major principle of having a peaceful steady familial life. This reality came even more complicated because I was raised, particularly so (and perhaps because the aforementioned social background), that I am now a prideful woman who are so sensitive when touching the issue of self esteem. That's why I always been anxious when working within the art scene (aka the high end society) a few years back. Because I know my lower-middle class background, and the messy understanding of how one should live their life, become problematic when I try to navigate my self among my peers.
Even in my current working environment, I can't completely relate to my colleagues, because my ego won't allow me to humble myself and accept the fact that I am still a member of the wage-labor class. All these things frustrated me, and now even more; cause since my father's death (no, it even  since he got ill), my financial independence wears off, and now I have even less time for a fulfilling activities, because most of my time I spent on doing a menial unfulfilling job just to survive.
I don't want to write this entry as a defensive reasoning for my failure in life.. no I need to stop self-pitying myself. Instead, I'm grateful, that "Malcolm in the Middle" shows me a clearer reality of my identity really is. I know now, why I'm so defensive during my career in art world, and why I'm so denial during my time as a wage-laborer. Many whom belong to the middle-lower class, but blessed with a brilliant mind are able to navigate themselves to be a better member of society. Their methods is what I need to try to emulate. Or maybe this revelation is a material worth digging about. I I mean, now that I have a better grasp of my identity, I have a better starting point to do what I need and what I want to do, aren't I? Yes? No? Maybe?

Minggu, Mei 21, 2017


" Put me on a pedestal and I'll only disappoint you
  Tell me I'm exceptional, I promise to exploit you
  Give me all your money, and I'll make some origami, honey
  I think you're a joke, but I don't find you very funny.."

--Courtney Barnett--

Pretty much sums up what I'd promise people who've asked me to get into a "relationship" XD
... that if I'm not too cautious and neurotic to tell them the truth... yeah, in the reality I'm too "nice" to said those things...
In reflection, I think what I want in a guy (or a girl for that matter) is pretty simple, just a person whom I can make a good conversation with. Yeah cliche I know, but looking back I realize some of my happiest moments were those where I can talk passionately about anything without having to tiptoe over sensitive subjects.
No need to be treated as a queen, no need someone else's money, no need to be praised all the time... just an open minded mind to talk about anything passionately

Minggu, Mei 14, 2017

why am I crying over this? XD

Maybe it's the theme of compassion and understanding between two mythological clans whose enmity is well known.. I dunno... but Tolkien is surely a great moral guru which still  relevant even today.. (and will be for more years to come)

Sabtu, Mei 13, 2017

oh boy oh boy XD


Minggu, Maret 19, 2017

In the event of watching the remake of "Beauty and the Beast"

So, went to the movie alone yesterday. A coworker (I suspect) slightly mocked the pathetic reality of me being single--hence went to the movie alone. I would defensively told her a lengthy lecture about being an independent female-- which I did not, given her cultural background and knowledge won't sufficient enough to bring the advantage of the lecture to her life (modest much, dear?)--so yeah I didn't do it.. but putting the incident aside, I was disappointed that the movie (the remake of Beauty and The Beast) didn't meet my expectation.
I loved Disney since I was kid. I practically learn my moral values from Disney's 90s masterpieces such as Aladdin, Pocahontas, Mulan, etc. When I saw the 2017 Beauty and the Beast was just a perfectly life-action copy of the 1991 animation, can't help but feel a bit disappointed. I mean, the 2015 Cinderellla was tweaked so proficiently, it brings a rather cliche fairy tale into a graceful-realistic narration.
Character-wise, the clever Belle is of course much more preferable to a passive-meekly Cinderella, but in the matter of story telling and how the movie executed, Cinderella was much more satisfying. Not to mention I can't feel Emma Watson bring the Belle we all loved from the 1991 animation into the reality of live-action cinema. I never been a fan to Emma Watson, but I also never consider her to be a bad actress; but this time I don't  think she did a very good job.
There were many holes in the narrative to make the movie seems intact and solid. But there were also many moments executed perfectly, it actually serve as a tearjerker for the audience.  Still, altogether, I don't see it as a solid movie worthy to be re-watched.  But I think it is inevitable, bearing in mind that Cinderella was directed by Kenneth Branagh, a veteran in the world of theater, while the director of Beauty and the Beast was one of them who directed one of the Twilight series. Yeah..
So far, of all the live-action remake of classic disney, I'd rank The Jungle Book as the champion, followed by Cinderella, then Beauty and the Beast and Maleficent, both at third place. I haven't really watch the last two movies intensely, so couldn't really put both of them at a different level.

Sabtu, Maret 11, 2017

in the matter of being spiritual


Tim Urban united two matters--which was considered to be in opposition with each other--as an indivisible unity. Most of the time I will tell my peers (those whom I considered worthy of my honesty, considering I lived in a very conservative environment) that more than a non-believer, I'm actually not a spiritual person. But after reading this Urban's post, I get a much clearer idea about what spirituality really is. And the post overwhelmingly touch me in a "spiritual" way. I guess from now on, when people asked me how spiritual I am, I'll be able to answer that I am the kind of person who would never betray the way of science because I'm spiritually connected with it's methodology (yeah still seems like a far-fetched answer :D)

Sabtu, Maret 04, 2017

random post

Oh dear I'm in love with the memory of Christopher Hitchens. Well to be exact I'm totally infatuated with his sexy sexy voice.. and his eloquence in stating his view.. ummm yum..

Rabu, Februari 22, 2017

not an existentialist! (at least currently)

Sartre said that hell is other people. But I have to disagree. Even tough being in constant compromise with others is exhausting as hell, for me the alternative is much more hellish. That are: taking responsibility for yourself, being decisive and commit to your own action, and not succumbing yourself to procrastination... well in my experience this kind of life principal is much-much more painful. So I have to say I may not an existentialist at all. But I feel the necessity to learn to be one.
In this era of competitiveness and whatnot, I might in the end be totally disappointed at myself. It's funny to find that I even procrastinate to find an effective way to overcome my habit of procrastinating. Eh, should I call it a "meta-procrastination?"
Yeah, I need to finish that one project I've been hold up for more than a week, now. And I need to finish read that Danto's book, so I can maintain my dignity as a sef-proclaimed intellect heheh.. Finaggling to my own pitiful life, I've been trying to find solace in cases such as Douglas Adams' chronic procrastinating habit. But I have to realize, Adams might just lucky to avoid the deathly consequences of this bad habit. He might be a nobody without his luck. But the sad truth is, somebody WILL be a NOBODY should he/she can't find no vaccine for this procrastination virus. Yeah I should have stopped this yammering already...

Senin, Februari 13, 2017

Oh That Machiavellian TV Show...

Just finished binge-watch House of Cards season 4, and wow, I just need to write something down! I still couldn't really fathom some of the intricate plot involving american political dynamics and whatnot. On second viewing and with google by my side I'll sure be able to grasp the whole narrative just like the seasons before this one; but gosh, it really hit me to the core.
Just yesterday I watched so many "School of Life"s videos, and now this... it's like peering to the convoluted wonder of human psyche. The Underwood couple is a perfect, ruthless pragmatists;which in the era of "anything goes" such as today, served as a fresh alternatives to a rather formulaic-boring protagonists in tv shows. Well not just tv I guessed, all narration must have been a bit shifty nowadays; changing direction from choosing a morally-accountable characters to a myriad possibilities of how human behaviours could be.
I need to wake up early in the morning, but feel the need to write something off  here. So I guessed I'll edited this post later when I have the time.