Selasa, Juli 25, 2017

Being a Realist is Necessary

We are all mad monkey with a few extra neurons :)

Senin, Juli 24, 2017

Yes, no,maybe; I don't know. Can you repeat the question?

As usual my writing mood kicked in while I'm in a very tight deadline. But I just need to write this down. For the past week, I've been working while listening/peeking through the first season of "Malcolm in the Middle". As far as I can remember, this series was just an american sitcom aired while I was a senior in high school, and it focused on a rambunctious siblings whose mother is a control freak; and dad is a dysfunctional father figure. I don't know what made me so gravitated towards this show years a go. But I surely understand now, because deep down I relate to it so very much.
The central problem of my life had been the conflict between my fascination to the abstract thinking or--to put it simply--the high end of cultural products (literature, art, social science, etc); with the reality that I came from a lower-middle class family. During my teenage years, all I know for my future, was just get into college, as a premeditation to get a steady job; and then get a steady job! Even though me and at least one of my sibling were slightly more capable to handle a complicated abstract thinking (aka we scored a slightly higher iq than our peer's demographic), we didn't really know what to do with this capability at hand. Plus, our typical laid back personality of the lower-middle class came handy in making the conflict more prominent.
So looking at how Malcolm get frustrated, now I understand what he had to get through all the time. It's like a mini revelation for me today. Now I know what frustrated me all this time, it's the conflict of having to be able to see through it all, but unable to escape the suffocation of  being lower-middle class. What I mean with the ability to see trough it all, is that I know that the benefits of abstract thinking and the urgency to gain as much knowledge as there is, are more crucial than having a nice comfortable life. But alas all my life history was build on the major principle of having a peaceful steady familial life. This reality came even more complicated because I was raised, particularly so (and perhaps because the aforementioned social background), that I am now a prideful woman who are so sensitive when touching the issue of self esteem. That's why I always been anxious when working within the art scene (aka the high end society) a few years back. Because I know my lower-middle class background, and the messy understanding of how one should live their life, become problematic when I try to navigate my self among my peers.
Even in my current working environment, I can't completely relate to my colleagues, because my ego won't allow me to humble myself and accept the fact that I am still a member of the wage-labor class. All these things frustrated me, and now even more; cause since my father's death (no, it even  since he got ill), my financial independence wears off, and now I have even less time for a fulfilling activities, because most of my time I spent on doing a menial unfulfilling job just to survive.
I don't want to write this entry as a defensive reasoning for my failure in life.. no I need to stop self-pitying myself. Instead, I'm grateful, that "Malcolm in the Middle" shows me a clearer reality of my identity really is. I know now, why I'm so defensive during my career in art world, and why I'm so denial during my time as a wage-laborer. Many whom belong to the middle-lower class, but blessed with a brilliant mind are able to navigate themselves to be a better member of society. Their methods is what I need to try to emulate. Or maybe this revelation is a material worth digging about. I I mean, now that I have a better grasp of my identity, I have a better starting point to do what I need and what I want to do, aren't I? Yes? No? Maybe?