hook, line, and sinker

I already know that I will always be an odds out. Not that I try to justify myself or that I am proud of being a weirdo. It's a dry fact; never (yet) in my whole life did I ever feel belong in any kind of community or a system of belief whatsoever. Erm, this however end up in me absorbing anything the world has yet to offer. Refusal was never my nature, even though I have faced disappointment and rejection countless time. I guess I'm afraid that whenever I passed up an opportunity, I'll regret that I will never taste the consequences it would offer (yeah even the painful ones). I long for experiences, bitter or sweet.. In the other hand, I always been in a constant struggle of trying to be fair to myself and to those around me. Always in a constant struggle of being an idealist and nihilist. I mean, I long for fairy tale-kind of morality, in which love and compassion could defeat harshness of life; but on the other hand, I have an abundant portion of skepticism toward life. I am well aware that every single person out there (including me) is a heartless-egotistical prick, who would manipulate life in order to gain his/her personal expectation. But this nagging feeling at the back on my head kept luring me to hope.. that there's Westley's kind of wisdom in every human being. *shrug* call it an evolved form of primate's brain, in which a stronghold of empathy between each other would increase our survival possibility. I dunno, emotion always lead you to this euphoric (yet pathetic) feelings... I am in a starting point of some game of sort, initiated by a very bright person. The game's very alluring indeed, it tempt you to just go for it, completely. And yeah, just like I've always do all these time, I will go for it, hook, line, and sinker... It might ended up in tears and disappointment.. but isn't life is a constant disappointment? and with disappointment, along came joy in its smallest spark of hope and anticipation...

The Snake The Cross The Crown - On The Threshold Of Eternity

eternity is pressed against my eyelids
by brittle fists that i cannot avoid
and though each finger's grip has been relentless
the moments they just keep on slipping by
and i am now aware that i am and always have been at this moment
sadly sitting by the fire and blue waiting for you
and though ive been expecting
i have never quite accepted that

the fire will suddenly go out
the hands will fall away, the paint will peel
the trees will sadly sway
cause i'm scared that there's no answer
cause i'm scared there's no truth
in this life of mine there is only time
the illusion of which is gone

all my words are spread across the canvas
no one seems to see the things i say
and though these eyes were once those of an artist
failure has relieved me of a face
and i am now aware that i am only the brushstrokes
on the headstone of a man that never lived
and this, oh, this is his, a life that i have failed in and i hoped to be forgiven

when the fire will suddenly go out
the hands will fall away, the paint will peel
the trees will sadly sway
cause i'm scared that there's no answer
cause i'm scared there's no truth
in this life of mine there is only time
the illusion of which is gone

so what is left
waiting to be
a man that i painted myself to be
and just sadly sit
with your eyes open
and my eyes have uselessly [broken]

we got a lot to say, got a lot to do
boys are in the street
they just want to do what they want
we dont care how

Fuck, I almost cried listening to this...
LetsSingIt - Your favorite Music Community

WHHHYYYYYYY???

Okay this is just unacceptable, why would Depkominfo forbid us to learn a higher learning such as understanding how the Higgs Boson worked?
Me no understand whats going on here!

intoxicated in Tolkien's universe

In a full amazement of how Tolkien could fabricate the intricate and complicated world of middle earth. Not just a narration of some plots or a fabrication of few characters; but the whole damn universe, along with the mythology, history, language, custom, and the geography! I can't even imagine how much time and energy could he spent on building this realm. Even those religious scripts out there couldn't outmatched this masterpiece...

Automatic for the People

Everybody has got to be changing their taste in music every period or so, or at least listened to different bands or musicians with different musical inclinations. But everyone (or maybe almost everyone) also has one or more musician that always linger as their beloved, no matter how long ago the first time they listened to the said musician. In my case, the only band that has always been succeeded in assuring me that their music are the music of my life is R.E.M. I've been a die hard Sting's fan during my teenage times, and I even was a smooth-jazz enthusiast during the time. But along the way I grew up to listened to another type of music and bands, but R.E.M. has been my teenage crush, my twenty something's audio companion while working, my constant partner during the anxious period of my life, and even now they still manage to convinced me to fell in love with them over and over again.
The main reason of this journal entry, was my encounter with the song "sweetness follows" after so many years I haven't listened to "Automatic for the People" anymore. And now after more experiences listening to many kinds of music and bands, and after personal experiences which indirectly involving music (yeah I mean you go through the hardships of life accompanied by music too, right?), I find this album mesmerizing. Umm I'm not sure if "mesmerizing" is the right term to describes it, but yeah I kinda see the album in a more passionate manner.
My first crush with R.E.M. was "New Adventure in Hi-Fi". And during the time, my English was so bad, I only manage to catch a few phrases, which quenches my appetite of anxious driven lyrics (such as "Bittersweet Me" or "new test Leper"). Then came "Reveal" and "UP"... People can say whatever they want about these albums, but to me, the nonsensical lyrics; the slow and contemplative rhythm; and the overall atmosphere filled with anxiety of both albums, has been a very loyal companion on my contemplative-youth period, and even for that reason only, I put both albums (especially Reveal), as two of my most favorite out of REM's discography.
I listened to their earlier musics, such as Documents and Reckoning, and as s a musical dummy I didn't really relates to them. But I guessed the cerebral part of me couldn't ignore how critics adore the albums, so, emotionally-detached, I came to an understanding of how these two albums deserved a high recognition. But yeah, after I re-enjoyed Automatic for the People, I kinda understand REM much better. And personally and objectively, I found that this one has garnered the first rank on my version of "REM's best album".

Oh me and the bluest color of my collar ;)

Have a little chat with my best friend on Christmas-day. It continued with a grand planning to make an art program through a whatsapp's discussion yesterday. It is exhilarating for sure, especially remembering the last three months of my activity was revolved around a very timid-routinely job. But (I gotta say, it's a big "but" indeed) being in a blue collar job somehow leisured me in so many ways. And to compare the things I've gone through for about 4 years back, my current job seems a bit more blue collar-y than my encounter a few years a go. I mean, I've been doing lots and lots of illustration work for years. Both working with clients as an independent illustrator, or working in an office environment (such as today), but nowadays, I've found a new taste to the job.
If I wanna put my point of view, say in a social-culturally kind of research, I'll say this job gives you a bunch more of materials to be observed. Not that I see my co-workers as mere analysis materials, I only find that there are interesting dynamics which is familiar as well as alien in this environment. And in a way it represent the major dynamics in our society, so I somehow found myself as a part of something which is usual. I'm part of the normative society, in which, at the same time I can be the observer as well as the participating component.
I've seen different personas, up-close and personal. Mingle with them--somewhat intimately (as intimate as a coworkers went)--and learn their dreams and goals, and event their penchant to self-help books. It is the majorities, and from this very point of view is very much interesting. In humorous manner, I find myself as a cameraman of that american comedy show: "The Office". At first, I see this blue-collar job of mine as a meditative action after the emotional crash I experienced a few months prior. But heck, now I finds it as a very interesting "sport" :D.
My friend plans out this thing for me--an art event of someshort--and I think to make this office-thingy as a research material would be the awesomest idea! :D
Me: paints my collar as bluest as it can be. Enjoying the routine and the assurance of being okay at the end of each months... Yeah this is how most of homo sapiens in this planet functions and feels :D

A li'l review on "Begin Again"

First, I'd like to tell you about the condition on where I'm writing this gaga waga. I supposed to draw, write, and basically finish every bits of extra works I had. But yet, here I am writing another gaga waga a.k.a. wasting off another precious time :p
I'd like to write a little review of the movie "Begin Again". I have to be honest, the initial reason I watch it, was because my sister insisted that Keira Knightley look a lot like me on this movie. Well who would passed up a chance of seeing a movie in which you get to compare yourself to such beauty like Miss Knightley :D.
In the end, I ended up adore the movie. The idea of the movie is pretty simple, but with a good writing and directing, it really come out as a very good film. It's basically a  "post-mortem" kind of love story, and in one way and another will remind you of "500 days of Summer". The musical background (no wonder, its John Carney's move, duh!) is what makes Begin Again so special, specially when it mixes perfectly with the sweet yet realistic love story of the two main character: Greta (Knightley) and Dan (Mark Rufallo).
What I really like about Begin Again is the overlapping plot between Greta's and Dan's story, in which each of them was going to a contradictory points; Dan to a reconciliation (with his family and job) while Greta to a separation (with his longtime boyfriend). Yet, individually both of them was actually overcome their affliction with life, even though in Greta's case she had to let her boyfriend go.
I love how the two main character use music as a tool to resolute their anguish with the reality. Greta whose boyfriend was in the middle of fame-euphoria as a rising star musician, has to face the fact that somehow reality could change a person you supposedly known inside out, no matter how long and strong their relationship was. In another case, Dan (a music producer) whose life was already in a mess, has to came to an understanding that every bits of life he had was actually worth fighting for. Both of Dan and Greta meet at their lowest point of their life. Trying to have a reason to do something, or perhaps simply try to distract themselves from their own problem, they decided to record an album. Being rejected by the recording company who already fired Dan, they records their album on scattered places around New York, recruiting random people they meet a long the way. While in the process of recording the album, these two very different people influences one and the other, and not only they find comfort and happiness between each other, they also find a new perspective on viewing their own problem.
Aside from enjoying the plot, I also enjoyed the superb acting of the stars, not to mention to see again Kailee Steinfeld, whom I really adored since "True Grit". Rotten Tomatoes gave 83%, and I think it's a fair review, since there still a few flaws hither and thither.
So eventually, I'd say Begin Again is a highly recommended movie. A bit chic-flick-y, but with an open mind, I think guys will also enjoy it.