Taking refuge in a funny-ironic comic XD

To be honest, this is the main reason I don't do any social media anymore XD... I am indeed an envious little biatch :3

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Pushing through the funk... -_-

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Aaand now, I hereby declare a break from nihilistic atmosphere from Palahniuk's works XD.
I actually received two Palahniuk's books as a birthday gifts, but drenching yourself in their nihilistic agenda is not a wise thing to do. So those book shall wait for a while. Although I still get that feeling of addiction toward the blackish-comedy of his works, but it gets into your daily life sometimes. I mean every materials you read, or watch, or heard, will affected your life somehow. So reading a negativity-induced novel in a row will do your life no good :D
Currently reading on "On Criticism" by Noel Carrolll--a very sharp opinionated book in the area of critics, although focusing more in art critics--but since I left the copy back at my boss' place, as a substitute, I idly took out one of my old Dawkins' book out of the shelf. It's titled "The Greatest Show on Earth". Been reading this since 2011, and I don't think I've ever manage to finished  it. Read it from the very beginning, starting off  with the preface; and it somehow reminds me of his writing style which is a little bit snobbish. Don't get me wrong, I don't mind him being snobbish at all, it even amuses me, remembering his hard agenda to take down creationism. Being overtly intellectual (in style) in his book brings a few notes for us who are sympathetic for his cause; it's like an ironic gesture from his part to highlight how foolish his opponent has been.
But apart from this funny aspect of the book, well it's a fun material to read, and it's an encyclopedic ride all along. And I just realized, my English skill must has been improving, because I read this copy much more pleasing; better than 5 years a go...

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"My heart is a dead time bomb drooling decayed corruption"
Said Madison Spencer, the snarkiest post-alive teenage girl ever. Can her description of her pitiful soul can go bleaker than that? No I don't think people (the normal ones at least) could come up with crazy sentence like that. 

It's an excerpt from Doomed, 2nd book of Palahniuk's trilogy of Damned. I've been unapologetically drenched in a pessimistic & snarky mood for the past week because of the book. It's funny to find it relaxing to surrender yourself to the bleakish perspective of life. To give yourself up to apathy and be negative towards everything. I guess nihilism has got a good point & perhaps it matches my "murphy's law" way of seeing the world. 

Sigh

Woke up with a realization that everything is inevitably nihilistic *loongsigh*
The central point of the problem lies within my lack of beliefs, whether it be a systemical belief or faith in an existential manner. You know the Kubler-Ross model of grief, the one which describe grief in phases such as: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, & acceptance. I for one believe, that we shall add a subsequent phase: apathy.
Apathy is the core corollary of nihilism I supposed. What to do when everything is skeptically important anymore? well be bored and get apathical I guess.
My boss told me I was so expert on shooing men away. It seems such a proudful gesture, but no, really, I don't mean to be picky or anything, or have a certain belief that I deserve a particular qualities in men. No, the reason is actually stemmed in my apathy towards life. I'm at a point in  which when I'm hopeful about something it will only gets me alerted; for I believe hope is toxic and will trap you in expectations, which many times cheated on you.
I don't do any art (just a bunch of petty projects to gets life going), I don't want a permanent relationship (& never had a serious one), I don't open my self too much to people; cause I know nil is the inevitable quality of life.
Just like old Eric Idle said: you come from nothing to nothing, what are you losing? Nothing..!

O-O-O

I supposed to sketch a concept design for a playground or something, but got caught up in the "speculative-realism rush". Call it a natural curiosity or just part of therapeutic side of philosophical inquiry, but I really-really need to follow this brilliant movement. As a critic of those wobbly school--the so-called--relativists (cont.philosophy, postmodernism, etc.), and more fangirling over the analytic phil., I find that speculative realism answered the need of philosophy in the era of progressing science such as today. I'll write a more serious entry later, then...
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hK-5XOwraQo

On the “Ghosting” Phenomenon

Those who are close to me already knew my deep penchant of suddenly disappear out of the face of the earth. Apparently in today’s digital world, where connectivity seems to be an all-time necessity, evaporating yourself out of the realm has become more and more of a phenomenon known as “ghosting”.  I exactly understand this kind of behavior, because I’ve done it a couple of times in the past. And if someone should asked me what makes me pull the ghosting act, I honestly couldn’t find a direct answer. Maybe because I am too much of a coward to admit my cowardice to face every troubles (I’ve been fleeing about); or maybe because I have a multi-layered psychological problems which I cannot pin-pointed what exactly they are; or maybe because  I actually realize all the reasons behind it, but just too ashamed to even speak it out.

And now I guess I’m getting a taste of my own medicine, by ghosted out by a guy I’ve been in ldr with for more than a year now. Experiencing being ghosted out from the perspective of a person who has been ghosting off herself is truly insightful. It made me a bit more self-aware, and in contrast to some of my female friends who’d been ghosted out by guys too, I can be calmer on approaching the problem. And in the spirit of being the object of this phenomenon, I reflected upon my flaws years ago.

Once, I had this huge crush over a girl (yes in my youth I fell for a female friend) which I kept by myself for years—resulting in a numbers of cheesy-silly poems. During my attraction to her, we kept being good friends even after she moved out of town following her husband’s workplace. But in the sixth year of our friendship, I pull out my ghosting act. No, not because I wanted to put a distance from her, or to be in a healthier mental state—because I cannot have her. It’s just something I do frequently: having my routine crumbled because of my moody tendency, and when I faced off with a dead end concerning an issue (could be work-related, family troubles, romance or friendship, hell even an internal conflict), I’ll shut myself out, and just ignore my social sphere for quite some times; and on this occasion, her included.

I remember, she  sent me an imported copy of one of Jostein Gaarder’s book (my favorite writer at the time), perhaps hoping to finally reached out to me and finding out why am I avoiding her. But… I kept ghosting her out. My, how I feel so so bad now, remembering it. It is not her fault that I was depressed at the time, but during this phase, I tend to just ignored everyone out, including her, someone whom I placed in a highest regard at that time. And this has done a permanent damage now. Even though still civil to each other, we’re not buddies anymore L.

I’m still doing this ghosting act even today. But lesser and lesser in scale and intensity over the year. A numbers of effort had been made, including consulted to a psychiatrist (which I skeptically distrusted) and  ended in a deduction that I might suffer from bipolar. I hated the medication, I hated the consultations, and I felt that they might made a false diagnosis. I tried to self-researched hoping to finally overcome this habit of mine. And to avoid denials and over-analysis, I tried to be blunt and completely honest with myself, it ended up in a very simple keywords: impulsiveness and chronic procrastination, coupled with a sense of self-worth and ego. Keywords I am now openly trying to have grasp upon and overcome with.

I believe in Occam’s razor adage: “among competing hypotheses, the one with the fewest assumptions should be selected.” I’ve opt for the simplest answer to my own trouble, for I believe I’ve sorted out all the far-fetched probabilities and assumptions.  Yet in the multitude elements involved in another person’s psycho-socio-cultural maps, there are countless numbers of problems that could be happened; and in the sea of multiple assumptions, one is best to not assume at all.

And so, instead of thinking of the myriad probabilities about why this guy ghosting out on me, I shan’t draw any conclusion at all. And in the spirit of being self-reflected and insightful, I need to realize that all the icky feeling of being ignored, disregarded etc. has somehow befell upon those whom I’ve been ghosting off too all those years behind J. Yep “you shouldn’t  judge a man until you’ve walked two moons in in his moccasins.” And the proverb should be applicable for the people I've disregard and also to this guy who've been ghosting me out.